In a stunning revelation that is sure to upset the governing overlords, today Diebold leaked the 2008 Presidential election results, more than eight months ahead of schedule. For many years, the winner of the Presidential election was not publicly announced before noon on Election Day, at which point the governing overlords assumed that there were enough votes cast to safely "call" a winner without arousing suspicions. Not so this year. Any voter can walk into the booth on November 4 confident that his vote does not, in fact, count for anything:
Seeing this news story reminds me of when I discovered professional wrestling was just a couple of stage actors groping each other in their underwear.
In other news, there are now eleven planets in our solar system. You can remember their names and order with the simple mnemonic phrase penned by fourth-grader Maryn Smith: My Very Exciting Magic Carpet Just Sailed Under Nine Palace Elephants. Pluto’s status was apparently restored, being considered a dwarf planet with newcomers Ceres and Eris. Shame on you if you can’t name the other eight planets. The public can hardly wait for the new hit from Lisa Loeb featuring the mnemonic. The track will be released in March.
See, after the Onion News Network video, I thought you were joking about the 11 planets and certainly about Lisa Loeb writing “My Very Exciting Magic Carpet Just Sailed Under Nine Palace Elephants”. This should’ve been posted about a month from now for maximum confusion and uncertainty.
WTF, people who decide what’s a planet - it’d *maybe* be excusable if they turned out to be both past Pluto (and what’s with the yoyo-ing on whether or not it counts..?), but one’s right past Mars! Come on now…