“You need to be dropped in the middle of the desert.”
Coming from anyone else, it sounds like a quirky joke, like a “I’m gonna kill you” kind of remark. But Jonathan utters these words with such solemnity that even the driest wit would detect the complete lack of humor and would take the advice into serious consideration.
“Yeah, I think I do.”
It’s been over a week since I was in Bloomington-Normal, a place I thought of as home for the last six years. I feel strangely empty not being there right now taking classes and spending time with my friends, but I know that I am not the first one or the only one to ever feel like this. It doesn’t make it any better, though. Graduating was an accomplishment not to be dismissed…but I still miss “home.”
It was really wonderful going to see Jonathan and Melany. We saw each other through the harrowing experience of student teaching and now we are seeing each other through the trials of finding a job. Well, Jonathan and Mel are having trials, I’m apparently looking for more…or so I’m told. And so I have come to accept.
Jonathan’s words are ringing in my ears even now. I want something. I want something more than what this life is giving me right now no matter how hard I am trying to accept and conform to it…to pretend that I’m content and that this is what I want. The novelty of being a waitress is wearing off and I find myself desperately searching for…whatever. But it’s not teaching. Not yet. And that irrates me to no end.
“You need to be dropped in the middle of the desert.”
A Walkabout. A Vision Quest. Jonathan and I have an understanding and a respect for these kinds of thing. But these things are not easy to come by. Perhaps that’s what Japan is for — at least, that’s what I have secretly been investing in this desire. I tell everyone that it’s because I want to teach English in Japan, and while this bears some truth to it, truly, it’s just a means to get there. I believe it has more to do with trying to start over.
Secrets….secrets….secrets…everybody has such secrets. Secrets wrapped in lies wrapped in ghosts…Perhaps Japan will free me of such hauntings. At least that is my hope.
I took one step towards the desert. I put in my application for NOVA.
Here’s to waiting…