Tentative. Comfortable. Unconscious.
I don’t even realize I’m leaning into him until I feel his hand on the back of my shoulder.
Part of me wants to wrench myself from his touch. Not out of revulsion but for us. After three years, I can’t let this happen. I refuse to let this happen.
Three years.
What would have happened if I hadn’t broken up with him? Would he and I be married? Would I have buried certain feelings until they were smothered and killed…or until they reared up at the worst possible time and potentially ruined our relationship?
No. It’s better this way. There’s nothing between us. No secrets.
I get up from the bench and try not to think about the last time he and I were in a bookstore together. I retreat quickly from him and we wander our seperate ways. I head upstairs while he goes to look at more books.
I find Serenity. I find a clerk and I hold Serenity in my hands. I am excited when I thrust it into his hands.
“You don’t have to…”
I cut him off with a wave. “I want to. Call it making up for all the cookies I never sent.” We share a smile and there’s a moment that passes between us that I wish hadn’t. Every time we start this I second guess my decision.
And every time I start thinking like this I remind myself that if I were attached I wouldn’t be taking this adventure. That things would be difficult for us…for me. This is for the best. This is for both of us.
We’re friends. We’ll always be friends.
And I’ll always wonder…