:laugh: There are only a few people who get that title and know why I’m faithfully laughing. Anyway, this goes out to my webcomic and Firefly fans:
Happy Halloween!
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Archive for October, 2005
“…now that you’re choosing this…”
Anticipation.
It can run you into the ground.
It’s exhilarating.
It’s breath taking.
It’s a rush.
…it’s one of the worst feelings in the world…
Anticipation can lead to doubt.
And doubt can crack the stongest of foundations.
I am reluctant to believe in anything, especially myself. In my experience “believing” sucks. People build up these beliefs for you…about you. And when you don’t deliver…
Your heart breaks.
I had not heard from Nova in almost two weeks. Did I anticipate things? Did I lie to everyone when I said I was going to Japan? Did I just screw myself out of my job by quitting two months before my supposed departure? Did I start believing people when they told me I could do this?
I banished the thoughts from my mind despite my father’s recent queries, despite my co-workers constant congratulations, despite various friends being delighted for me but reluctant to see me go.
Okay. I lied. I couldn’t totally banish any of these things from my mind. They were constantly buzzing. So let me rephrase that…I tried to banish these thoughts from my mind.
I distracted myself with Netflix — the little devil with the seemingly boundless selection of DVDs that has been my current addiction. It was with this devil in mind that I dashed to the mailbox with the anticipation of the next Veronica Mars disc.
I pulled out the mail. The red and white envelope, though exciting, could not dispel the other feeling I had when I saw the hulking package that dominated the delivery.
I swallowed and started the trek back up the driveway to my house. I maintained some semblance of being calm as I tore open the envelope and pulled out a folder.
Dear Jessica Lim:
Re: Appointment as a Multi-Media Centre English Language Instructor in Japan
We have pleasure in confirming our offer of an appointment with Nova Coporation as a Sponsored English Language Instructor at our Multi-media Centre in central Osaka in Japan, commencing in early 2006. We are pleased to make this offer and believe you will make a significant contribution to the company. […]
It’s official.
I have known about this for almost a week and still have not told scores of people about this. I laugh a little to myself because this accomplishment comes second only to being named drum major of the Big Red Marching Machine.
So what is this feeling?
(Loathing…unadulterated loathing…)
“I smell Natasha.”
Grant looks at me quizzically and I realize how odd that sounds. “The first year we were roommates, she and I would go on these wacky adventures together.” I shrug, “This time of year always makes me think of her.”
I wonder what my senpai is doing right now. She was never one to be tied down to anyone or anything, at least in my experience with her. She was like the wind and went wherever it took her. Natasha breezed into my life just as quickly as she breezed out. And I was never the same.
I shake the memory. Thinking of her always makes me…I don’t know what. I resented her for leaving me. I think a part of me still does.
For all that people think she was a bad influence on me, she really was the best friend I needed at the time. It was like something out of a coming-of-age novel, as much as that notion makes me want to gag, it’s the truth. Everyone who met her was immediately attracted to her in some respect. Magnetic personality I think they call it. Jonathan, Kris, Duff, Lindsey, Amanda…me…Kit… She had us all under her spell.
Of course, there were others who she had an opposite effect on. They didn’t not like her, but they certainly didn’t trust her. After everything that’s happened between us, I wonder vaguely why I have not completely fallen in with this group. Jonathan fell into it and in some ways he tried to get me to see her for what she was, too.
But what was she? Was she really a “liar”? Sure, she liked to exaggerate things, but I didn’t think that made her a bad person. After everything that’s happened between us…to us…there were some things she couldn’t have lied about. I know. I was there. And so was Jon. There are just some things we can’t change by pretending they didn’t happen…
I miss her desperately…I really do. If anything because it was never a dull moment with Natasha. She took my life and made it interesting.
Yeah…I think I was in love with her.
This ain’t no wobbly headed doll caper…er, I mean — this isn’t going to be one of my usual story posts…but seriously, my dislike for FOX is bordering out and out hatred. Not only did they try to take the sky from me, take a show that shall remain nameless and in my DVD player depriving me of any kind of faith in the network, but they’re messing with my feelings. Gorram fools.
Almost a week later I can finally work up the courage to write about Serenity. It’s no secret that the movie contains some heart wrenching stuff so to say that I left the movie theater hollow would be the best way to describe my initial reaction. I wasn’t sure what to make of it. I had built it up so much and I was worried that I may have actually been disappointed.
But in retrospect — no, it wasn’t disappointment. It was just heartache. I had been spoiled in July so I knew what was coming. But finally seeing it with my own eyes seemed to finalize things for me. The ‘verse was never going to be the same.
Now that I’ve accepted what’s happened, I can honestly say that I liked the movie. I’m not sure that my love for the movie ‘verse is on the same scale as the Firefly ‘verse, but the love is definitely there.
You can’t take the sky from me…