No, Really, I Am an American

“…now that you’re choosing this…”

Anticipation.

It can run you into the ground.

It’s exhilarating.

It’s breath taking.

It’s a rush.

…it’s one of the worst feelings in the world…

Anticipation can lead to doubt.

And doubt can crack the stongest of foundations.

I am reluctant to believe in anything, especially myself. In my experience “believing” sucks. People build up these beliefs for you…about you. And when you don’t deliver…

Your heart breaks.

I had not heard from Nova in almost two weeks. Did I anticipate things? Did I lie to everyone when I said I was going to Japan? Did I just screw myself out of my job by quitting two months before my supposed departure? Did I start believing people when they told me I could do this?

I banished the thoughts from my mind despite my father’s recent queries, despite my co-workers constant congratulations, despite various friends being delighted for me but reluctant to see me go.

Okay. I lied. I couldn’t totally banish any of these things from my mind. They were constantly buzzing. So let me rephrase that…I tried to banish these thoughts from my mind.

I distracted myself with Netflix — the little devil with the seemingly boundless selection of DVDs that has been my current addiction. It was with this devil in mind that I dashed to the mailbox with the anticipation of the next Veronica Mars disc.

I pulled out the mail. The red and white envelope, though exciting, could not dispel the other feeling I had when I saw the hulking package that dominated the delivery.

I swallowed and started the trek back up the driveway to my house. I maintained some semblance of being calm as I tore open the envelope and pulled out a folder.

Dear Jessica Lim:

Re: Appointment as a Multi-Media Centre English Language Instructor in Japan

We have pleasure in confirming our offer of an appointment with Nova Coporation as a Sponsored English Language Instructor at our Multi-media Centre in central Osaka in Japan, commencing in early 2006. We are pleased to make this offer and believe you will make a significant contribution to the company. […]

It’s official.

I have known about this for almost a week and still have not told scores of people about this. I laugh a little to myself because this accomplishment comes second only to being named drum major of the Big Red Marching Machine.

So what is this feeling?

(Loathing…unadulterated loathing…)