Sunday the 22nd of January 2006 - back in Illinois
I ended up going over to my cousin’s house for dinner. My mom didn’t pressure me to do so, I seriously wanted to go.
On the drive into Elgin, I told my mom all about my trip. Part of me wondered if she was even listening, but she said she was glad that I had a good time. I even told her about going to church that morning.
It was nice to see my Ates when it wasn’t obligatory, like Thanksgiving and Christmas. I’m actually trying really hard to stay in touch with my family. My younger cousin Bree told my Ate Ruby that she was going to miss me when I was gone. I laughed at that. I see Bree maybe twice a year, I doubt she’ll even realize my absence.
After dinner, my Ate Miriam and Ate Ruby told my mother and I about the visionary they went to see in Aurora. This man is one of six visionaries from Croatia and has seen Our Lady, has spoken to Her, and brings Her message to one and all. I wasn’t skeptical of this tale because in spite of everything, I believe that it’s possible.
I was feeling uneasy about the discussion, however. My glass was filling again and I wasn’t able to absorb it all in a manner I would have liked. When Ate Ruby gave me a blessed prayer book to take with me to Japan and keep with me, my glass overflowed.
I fought back tears. I wanted Ate Ruby to take back the book. I was not worthy of such a thing. I was not worthy of God’s love. This is…not going…well…
I managed to make an exit shortly after receiving the book. I whispered to my cousin that I would try to be worthy of her gift and bid my family goodbye.
The second I got behind the wheel, tears were streaming down my face. I was definitely overwhelmed with God. First, in Boston with my sister, and now with my cousins in Elgin.
My cup runneth over…
It was probably not the wisest decision to drive home, but I did anyway. I wanted to go straight to Church, knowing that Teen Mass was in progress. I wanted to go and confess my sins. I wanted to call Allison but persuaded myself out of it. I wanted to go to Grant’s house, or the Halfway House…but kept driving past the Summit.
I was not worthy.
That thought kept playing over and over again in my head. I was not worthy. I am not worthy.
How could God love such an abomination?
Later, when I put these thoughts to sleep for a while, I ended up telling Grant and Mark about my God freakout. I was grateful to tell them about it. I knew that in them I would find the comfort I was desperately seeking. I just wish I hadn’t gotten so upset.
I am told over and over again that there’s nothing wrong with me. Somewhere deep inside, I know this. It’s just…buried under a hell of a lot of doubt. Thomas and I have a lot in common in that respect.
I am not trying to make things difficult. I am trying to understand what’s going on in my head.
I am trying to accept and believe…to have faith in myself and in what I once held dear.
To know that I am worthy.
I have an idea. Next time we talk, i’ll share it.
You have to wonder whether the late, great JC ever had such doubts in his mind. Being the Messiah has to be quite a weight to bear on one’s shoulders, especially if one were to bear the weight alone. That is not to say that your conflict is the same, but that even JC was human. He had emotions and he had compassion for his fellow human beings.
However you find yourself at the end of this conflict, remember that there is always room for forgiveness. There are plenty of teachings in the Bible that are anachronistic.
They Bible’s authors were part of a society that had different values and different priorities. You can argue all you want, but until you have died and stand judgement by a holier authority, you cannot possibly know what really bars you from ascension. It simply isn’t your call, so don’t fret about it so much.
If it’s any consolation, I think you’re swell