No, Really, I Am an American

This post began on Saturday the 6th of January 2007

One of the many things that frustrates me about me is the fact that I am insane. Take today for instance, or maybe the last thirty hours or so.

I accompanied Jacob to KIX yesterday (damn, I’ve spent a lot of time in airports lately) and came back to an empty house. The lonliness was the last thing on my mind as I debated between eating something, taking a shower, and taking a nap. I opted to shower and then just chill. I think it was somewhere in this that the fact that the house was empty started to filter into my consciousness. I’ve had the house to myself before, but always with the knowledge that my roommates were coming home. I have to admit, this is a little odd.

To my great misfortune and quite the folly, I ended up falling asleep around 8:30 PM or so. Hardly an ideal sleeping time, thus I awoke first at midnight and then fell asleep for three more hours. Oh yes my friends, that’s right. I was wide awake at 3:00 AM. In retrospect, I shoulda thrown in a movie.

It was during this wakefulness that things turned over in my head: Am I really going to make it? What’s the first thing I should do, vacuum the living room, or sort out my own wardrobe. I think I need to laundry. Do I really want to move all the way to Bentenchou? How much should I really be paying? 65,000 isn’t that bad of a price for living alone…but it kinda defeats the purpose of saving money. What’s more important to me? What are the chances of finding someone cool to live with? Has it really only been fifteen minutes since I started this?

Believe me when I tell you I realize I’m not the only person who’s had similar thoughts. I think it hasta do with being a female or some such. Ever watch Wanda Sykes? She did a really funny bit on it.

Anyway, I was kinda wishing that today was my 7:30 start; at least then I wouldn’t have had so much time to kill.

****

Monday the 8th of January 2007

I vaguely remember getting restless or uncomfortable when I was last writing so I opted to stop.

Like I said, my biggest problem is being unstable and inconsistent in what I’m doing. Briefing since the last time I wrote, I went on to work to discover a lot of people have picked up and moved on, or are in the process of moving on. It kinda shook me a little; like I know that Nova is the kind of place where people come and go and what not…but I guess I wasn’t expecting so much change in the barely three weeks I was home. I’m still gutted about Rob if anything because he was always the guy I went to when I needed things put in prespective. He’s always really supportive and stuff.

I was surprised to see him at lunch, and happy. I wasn’t expecting to at all. The 14th Floor lunch group has lost quite a few members. I’m trying really hard to remember that these things happen and not get too bummed. Seeing Rob at lunch, though, was enough to make the day better.

Work itself was very work-like. It wasn’t hard slipping back into routine. See how I’m inconsistent? I mean, I know people think stuff like this all the time. I don’t think it’s always a bad thing, routine, but I know that this isn’t what I’m supposed to be doing. This isn’t what my life is supposed to be. But I really like that this gives me a chance to read and do things that I want. You know, for what little time and chance I have to do that and the like. I bet it’s selfish or something. I can’t help it. I…I was weak. (”And Zoe, what would your husband say?”)

Sorry. Needed to slip that in there.

See, here’s the problem with time in between trains of thought — I kinda lost where I was going when I first started this post. It amuses me to no end how there are tons of stuff I keep thinking, “Dude, I totally gotta blog about that.” (And there’s another thing. When did “blog” replace the verb “write” for me?)

Okay. So I’ll just go with what’s in my head right now. (I knew there was a reason for writing that as the title of this post.) I’ve been waking up at ridiculous times in the morning, not as bad as 3:00 AM anymore, but still pretty early. I’m hoping to remedy that after tonight’s shift since I’ll be working during the time I usually start to think it’s time to sleep. I’ll drink a Red Bull before my shift, too, in hopes that it will make things go a little smoother.

Regarding living arrangements, strangely enough a few things have fallen into my lap. The biggest one is staying in the house. I got a reply from Masumi today, and her mother suggested staying in the house fo 65,000 yen, which is the price I quoted to Akemi (mom) last night when I was talking to her about the general price range of apato I was looking for. For all this space, just for me at that price? Seriously, not shabby at all. It sounds like a done deal, right?

But it’s not. Don’t misunderstand me. I like the house. It likes me, it has a good feeling. But it’s big. And empty. The downstairs doesn’t get as much sunlight as I’d like, which was a big reason for my lack of wandering down there. And the Bobs. Can’t forget about them. I know that seems like a really dumb reason, but it’s enough of a reason for me to be uncertain.

I’m meeting with this fellow Alex tomorrow (not my Alex) to look at an apartment in Bentenchou. If you recall, I wrote about maybe moving into a new apato back in June. This would be the same building. I mean, I already know the general size of the place and there’s a possiblity of having a couch so I’m gonna give it a shot.

The Welsh girl I know, Kat, is also aware of my current living predicament. She caught wind of the apato below here opening up and was kind enough to inform me. I took a look at her place yesterday and seriously, for just me, it ain’t too bad.

So I have options. I’m leaning more towards staying put…but…yeah. I’m wondering if maybe I need a change of scenery or something.

Darya thinks I gotta get out of Osaka; and in truth, it’s starting to feel like there isn’t that much for me here these days. Mike told me once, “You gotta find a reason to stay.” I don’t want a reason to stay in Osaka, if that makes sense. Fight Club kept me here…but there is potential to resurrect Fight Club, or at least recruit new members. I know I have to get out of Kansai. Or at least look around more in Japan. My problem is I want people to go with. I’m all kinds of adventurous and independent here more so than I was at home, but I have a preference to share these experience with people or something.

Lousy convenience.

You’ll be okay. You’ll make friends.

Yeah. Well, I’m kinda trying. There’s this cluster of two-monthers I met, one who would be perfect for Fight Club, that I’ve started chatting with. But, I don’t know how to go about things. Shut up. I know it’s not like I’m asking for a date. It’s just, well, take friends you meet in class. You generally have good reasons for suggesting things like meeting up to go over notes and stuff. Or have things in common to talk about, like the history of language. And it’s really convenient when pencil sharpeners fall on you and it’s something to laugh about. I met people through people. I don’t know what I’m saying. Oh! Oh! I know.

Okay. So this may be news to VoW, but there was this time when we were first starting to get to know each other where I was like, “I don’t know. Would it be weird to invite her out to coffee or something? I mean, Mike’s not here.” (Me Da knows about this, and I think Al, but this is the kind of stupid stuff that runs in my head because I’m insane.) The situation was something like we were gonna hang out, but then it was getting late, or Mike bailed, or something of that nature where Mike wouldn’t be around. I was nervous about hanging out ‘cuz that’s just how I react first and foremost when meeting new people. (If I ever see the dance girls again and you meet them, just ask them. I was more nervous than usual around them.)

So yeah. That’s what goes on in my head. That and there are just some people I’m awkward around. Ask Kate. I mean, the only reason we started talking was because I avoided eye contact.

Things…will turn out. I know that. But, you know, until they do, the things that go through my head are all kinds of, I was gonna say “stupid”.

Sadly, and I hate to admit this, but, since being back, there isn’t one day that’s passed where I think: I could just go home.

But I can’t. I know I can’t. There something here that I haven’t found yet. The rat bastard. It’s not letting me go. And like Al, I can’t quit. Being home and realizing what I’ve been missing in our camaraderie kinda shook me up. Or maybe it was the fact that I didn’t get to stay very long and do the things I wanted. Next year, I am totally going back closer to Christmas. That way I can spend more time with people in January (theoretically).

So I had a major scare earlier: AVG caught a virus thingy. My heart froze a little ‘cuz I had just run a virus scan this morning (it happens daily actually) and my concern for my beloved John set me into a minor panic. Not a debilitating one, but there’s still too much on John that I need. That and John is my connection to everyone I…well, love, or whatever. Or at least the easiest connection. I put the “worms” in the vaulty thing and ran another scan. He seems to be okay, but I’m still on hyper alert.

I’m keeping busy. Like I cleaned stuff yesterday and today and I’m going over some the options in my head. I want to organize my wardrobe and stuff, but if I move, part of me is like, well what’s the point? I did laundry. That was good.

How mundane am I?

In my head, thinking I’ll stay here, I’m putting things in places. It’s a little weird. I’m also going over finances. Effectively, I’d be making about a thousand dollars a month, after taking out rent, bills, and misc finances like food. I feel like I can make it on that. But still. It was better when I shared the house.

It’s taking me some time to slip back into the joy I have being in Japan. Just a lot to process in regards to my next move. Remember how I said I don’t always see the big picture but rather the intricate details?

Oh! But I did also watch a lot of Angel, both the remaining discs of Season 5 and I went back and watched the Faith episodes from Season 4. I gotta say, Illyria is freaking awesome! I can see why Yoss respects Amy Acker for the role.

Hmmm. I just crunched some numbers, and provided I remain a hermit, I’d do okay with paying 65,000 a month.

I gotta get out the house. I think I’ll check out Starbuck’s again and see if there’s anywhere to sit and read. I’ve been going over that thing I wrote and making notes. Maybe I’ll get around to writing again. While I was home, I totally bought a map of Penn and I’m hoping that will help some.

Cross your fingers.