No, Really, I Am an American

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve been reading some Virginia Woolf lately. I really enjoyed To the Lighthouse and one of my British co-workers suggested that since I was so keen on Woolf, I should read Mrs. Dalloway and Michael Cunningham’s The Hours and thence watch the movie. I was so inspired by To the Lighthouse — a book I’d read an excerpt from in one of my classes with Dr. Justice and didn’t like it — that I readily went out and bought the two recommended books. I hate to say it, but I find myself struggling with Mrs. Dalloway; I think perhaps it may be due to the fact that to me, there is more of a plot to this book whereas To the Lighthouse had a focus but didn’t seem as concrete to me. I don’t claim to be an academic or any kind, heck, I barely feel worthy of my degree! But it felt like To the Lighthouse was perhaps a bit more abstract and it was more fun to just kind of follow along. It made sense to me. I attributed it to my short attention span. I think I was expecting the same kind of idea in my current reading venture but I find myself following more of a plot. I’m probably wrong, but that’s how it seems to me. I’m sure there’s deeper meaning to both, but I’m not really thinking about such things at this particular moment. I do have designs to read some lit crit on Virginia Woolf and her two works, but that will probably have to wait until I’m stateside in a more permanent capacity.

Speaking of which (this is something of a catch-up post, too…which made me think the title was mildly appropriate) I may have to reconsider my return date as of today. Funny thing about Japan is that people change their minds about things every other second. (My sister, my daughter, my sister, my daughter.) One of my free periods last Sunday happened to coincide with one of Mike’s frees and Anna’s lunch break. I passed that particular period in the 15th Floor Refresh Room with them and we got to talking about departures. I mentioned my plan and also about how one of the reasons I decided on this time frame was because of their own projected leaving date. Anna thence explained that they may not be leaving in February as originally intended.

I was genuinely surprised ‘cuz I’d been given the impression that that was a done deal. I said as much and so she elaborated with the Green Card details and Mike chimed in with the attempt to save money.

I know it’s not enough of a reason to really reconsider everything, but as I’d researched a few things more, I discovered that things may not be as hopeful as I’d anticipated. If I’m serious about grad school, I have just about another full year before I could even apply let alone start, and returning in January isn’t exactly a promising teaching semester so really, what kind of money could I hope to make as a waitress or a store clerk when I seemingly make more money here? Ruttin’ money; root of all evil and such. So…maybe May…

I’d also established at dinner that night that I like living in Japan. I like not knowing things. What’s it? Ignorance is bliss? I don’t get frustrated with things people say because I have no idea what they’re saying. It’s oddly comforting. I don’t have to worry too much about what I’m saying ‘cuz it ain’t like the general public can really follow native-speaker conversation rate. I also don’t have to think or worry about politics too much. I know it’s a blind eye and pretty damn selfish on some levels, but I can’t help it. My nature is dramatic and gets worked up about some thing I really shouldn’t or don’t have to. Here, my focus on students is different from what I learned across the ocean. I may be more of a facilitator here, but I can’t help but think and feel like my services are better suited here for now. Maybe that’s the excuse/lie I tell myself to keep me here, but it seems to work. I freely admit there are a multitude of things I sincerely miss about home, but their grasp on me has slackened recently; if anything, because of the recent realizations I’ve made (I refer you to the previous paragraph). And perhaps one of the most important factors is that I haven’t been jaded by this country as some of my other friends have.

On the subject of teaching (and others), I wonder vaguely if there’s something wrong with me, or rather why my attitude about teaching here seems so different than what seems like most of my co-workers. Everyone complains about Nova, and I mean everyone. While I know the business-side of the company is terrible and some of the policies that are in place for the teachers feel just as bad, I never take it out on my students. They are far from perfect, but given the parameters and the nature of the teaching/learning style, I can’t really fault them their mistakes. Language ain’t easy, native or otherwise. As long as they try, I give them some credit. I wonder if that makes me a lenient teacher or some such. Under the circumstances, I don’t think so because I try to grade the students correctly regardless of whether or not I like them. I mean, I’ve had some student I personally felt lacked amiability and came across as disruptive, abrupt, or otherwise unpleasant…but if they could use the language proficient of their supposed level, I don’t take it out on them in their marks, with perhaps the exception of effort. And vice versa; just because I personally liked a student doesn’t mean I’ll give them a higher grade than they deserve. I really try to be fair.

But they try. Okay, so the majority of them “go to shopping” (heck, even I’ve done that — as Darya would point out) or is “interesting in English”, but I don’t take it out on their intelligence. Some of these people are freaking neurosurgeons for crying out loud! Let me think about this one…neurosurgeon…faux-teacher…neurosurgeon…faux-teacher…Hmmm….

Yeah. That’s right. My money’s on the freaking neurosurgeon. Just ‘cuz the good doctor’s English syntax is incredibly unnatural doesn’t give me the right to mock him or her. Hell, my Japanese is atrocious — let us not forget that I apparently “die in Higashi-Osaka”. (I refer you to the post titled “I wanna try!”)

This is something that’s bothered me for some time now. I won’t lie and say I haven’t laughed at some of the things non-native English students have said, but I’m not mocking. Maybe it’s ‘cuz I was always the slower one in class, it usually took me some time to wrap my brain around a concept — hell, I still can’t sightread music…and I had intentions of being a band director!

So, that’s my work rant. On the bright side, I’ve been having more TOEIC lessons, two on Sunday alone! (Effectively, I had three students on Sunday on an eight-lesson work day because of it.) I think I’m getting the hang of them a bit more, but I’m still uncertain about whether I’m really much help ‘cuz I don’t always know hwo I can help them with a test I’ve never taken, ya know?

I bought a new pen on Sunday after dinner — which is what I used to write this post (obviously, I wrote this in a notebook prior to posting). It’s a BiC Fine 0.7 pen. Classic looking. I dunno how I feel about it yet, but it’s serving it’s purpose for now I reckon. I kinda think I’m more of a Paper Mate Flexgrip girl. Too bad they seem to be hard to find in this country.

I’ve been enjoying salads more recently. I think it’s ‘cuz I haven’t really eaten a lot of vegetables since coming to Japan. I had a great one from To the Herbs. It was supposedly a 10 mineral salad in a red balsamic vinaigrette dressing. I wasn’t exactly a fan of the tart tomatoes (I think they were sun-dried), but it was five-by-five otherwise. There’s also a good chicken salad at Slices.

Then there’s juice. I’ve been really into apple juice lately, but then on Thursday while I was at Mukanna’s, I tried some of Mike’s Ceres Apple, Berry, Cherry Juice and developed a bit of a crush on it. Now I really do need to go to Costco.

Sheryl Crow is great. I revisited my Very Best of Sheryl Crow CD recently and reaffirmed my liking of her. Although, Kaylee doesn’t seem to like her much. I’ve also realized how great YouTube is for music as well. I was able to find a recording of Leonard Bernstein conducting Shostakovich Symphony No. 5 IV. Allegro non troppo. I’d heard that he was criticized for his tempo, but I rather enjoy it. It makes me want to get some iTunes. I also discovered (not through YouTube) that Idina Menzel has a pop version of “Defying Gravity”, which is available to listen to at her site as of this post. You can also purchase it on iTunes. Of course, I prefer the original, but this one is pretty shiny all things considered. I’m also endeared to it ‘cuz it’s at least Idina Menzel singing it and not some other random pop star. I dunno why that gets me, but it does.

Huhn. I really do use that idiom. I’m using this English Idioms in Use book published by Cambridge University with Wakako, Tomomi, and Shohei and recently Shohei asked me if I use these expressions. Now I’ve just gone and used “what really gets me”. Which reminds me…does anyone know where “ghost of a chance” comes from and why we use “ghost”? Wakako asked me about that one and I had a hard time answering. From what I’ve researched, it mostly comes up as a song lyric.

I had this dream about Birdie and Baby the other night. They come back to life. No, really, as in raised from the dead but as good as new. They weren’t zombie-birds or anything. It was kinda cool. Then I woke up and they were still dead. Then I was sad. But they came back to life in my dream, so that was cool. The frogurt is also cursed.

I felt really fat on Sunday. Has that ever happened to anyone else? Just…fat? It was kinda weird. I’m over it now. But yeah, kinda weird.

I started this post on Sunday and I am posting it now. From then to now, I think I have decided to give up on Mrs. Dalloway. I mean, I’ll keep trying at work…but I’m really just not feelin’ it.